Why is everyone getting married?
Are we old enough for that now? I feel like I blinked and all of a sudden I’m the last one on the married bus. Actually I’m not even on the bus, it’s more like I’m that weird kid who missed the bus and is frantically running after it but it’s not stopping. I hate it. Everyone… stop getting married. We’re all still children. And the bus is gross.
On the list of things in my life that can fuck...
Men are at the top. No good. Cheating. Lying. Fucking men. All of ‘em. Ya’ll suck. Your moms suck too.
What if I took off MY clothes in my pictures?
What kind of messages would I get if I was ACTUALLY trying to be a giant whore? I already get messages like, “Hey, wanna hook up?” or “Damn fine.” or my personal favorite, “What size boobs are those?” My pictures don’t scream sex pot. I don’t really think I have come-fuck-me eyes, and the pictures don’t show the come-fuck-me heels I typically...
THINGS YOU DON'T DO PART 2.
Invite me over, have no plan, pound a bunch of rum, drive me to a bar, drink more beers, fail to ask me a single question about me (like… “What do you do? Do you like Denver? What’s your favorite FUCKING COLOR?”), talk about how many millions your father has, be 23 and drive a Jaguar, duck out on the tab, get a bloody nose (fine, shit could happen to anyone) but not notice...
Things you DON'T do.
You don’t invite a girl over when she’s first moved to a new city, tell her how awesome she is, get her to stay over, mess around, be disappointed when she won’t fuck you, shoo her out of your house in the morning, never text her again, and then 9 months later find her on POF and shoot her a friendly “Long time no talk.” FUCK YOU.
POF = POS
I had to disable my POF account. It was getting too depressing. Does anyone actually have luck with that site? Seriously. Not just as a booty call. Appalling.
Here on business?
“Hey I’m here on business for another week so if you want to get a drink shoot me a text at XXX-XXX-XXXX.” Read: “Hey, wanna fuck and then forget about each other?” FML.
ME: “It’s like all I have to say is, “I’m a marketing...– Drunken conversations with my best friend.
imchrisstuart asked: is this your main blog?
Did you know that Hitler, Mussolini and Genghis Khan were scared of cats? – I went on a bit of a blog hiatus because I was all, “Wow, life is uninteresting and no one gives a flying fuck.” But then friends of mine were all, “Wow, your life is interesting and I give a flying fuck.” And then on a brief stint in my home town I witnessed this little...
If the truth came out of my mouth, we'd all be in...
Sometimes I wonder how offensive my OKC profile would be if I was just completely honest and straightforward. Which I am, currently, to an extent, but nowhere near what’s actually going through my head. Under “What I’m doing with my life” it would say something along the lines of: “Drinking a lot in bars with hot bartenders. Being broke as hell. Putting up with...
I really need to be more selective about who I go out with. The bartender is going to start thinking I’m desperate. Little does he know if he’d just ask me out all of this madness could go away. Sigh. Onward. I went out with this guy tonight who I knew from the first 27 texts we exchanged was going to be a huge disappointment. I really only have myself to blame. The thing is I...
Red-Head Faux Hawk: (says something dumb) Me: “That doesn’t make...– Don’t say dumb shit and expect me to laugh at you.
Cabbie. Get out of my life.
Last night I went to a music festival with some amazing, however coupled people. Side note: this couple is probably my fave because they function completely individually, I can have epic conversations with both of them individually and they are adorbs when they’re together. So we party, drink, dance, party more, and BAM I’m drunk. Surprise! Sloppily hitting on anything with two...
Me: “I’m really not a sweet girl. Which makes me cold-hearted by any...– Should we do it now or later? And was that dirty? No? So just so you know, lines like that only occur in movies. I love when movie things happen in real life.
Crap, now I'm the crazy one.
What is it about getting stood up that turns me into the Clingmaster? Shouldn’t I be all “well fuck you too then!” and move on with my life? Nah, I like to make it worse. I’m one of those girls who needs an explanation. How dare me.
can chance bring us together on this night? if you not doing will you take a...– Awwwwww yeah! Never mind, everyone. Found me a winner!
Curse of the one-date curse. Cursing.
Since moving to my new city/state/life, I’ve gone on more dates in the last four months than I have in my entire life. More single dates. As in one, with one guy, and then never seeing him again. My friend swears this is because guys on POF are just looking for a hookup and since I have been cured of my hussy-tastic ways and don’t sleep with guys on the first date anymore, they move on...
hi cutie,my name is ——.I was browsing through and I found your...– Is your spacebar broken? Or is it just too cute for you to use it.
The "fun girl" tries to date for real.
I’ve never been a huge dater. Make out with you on the dance floor? Sure. “Watch a movie” at 1 in the morning? I sure as hell am not sleeping. Give you the most amazing advice about that bitch you’ve been dating? Absolutely. She’s cheating on you. And her laugh is annoying. Go on a date? Like a real, pick-you-up-at-8, wear lip gloss and high-heels,...
Me: “I’m really not feeling it. Sorry. If you could stop calling me...– I don’t care WTF you do with my number as long as you quit using it.